Adversity

"The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief." ~William Shakespeare, Othello

"It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line." ~Ashleigh Brilliant

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter." ~Author Unknown

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive." ~Josephine Hart




In February of 2002, my mother died. It was her time; she had lived a good life and just expired. It had taken me 3 1/2 years to get over that. My mother despite her frailty was the glue that held my family together. And without her, the Animosity my siblings felt for me burned brighter than the deepest fires of Hell. At Her funeral, my sister, Dottie, showed her true feelings toward me in inviting my brother and his family and my other sister back to her house for coffee and remembrance. It however was made perfectly clear to me that I was not welcome. That the sins of my past were so prevalent this much latter in life that I was to be condemned, right there in the parking lot at my mothers wake.

On my mother’s death bed, at Winchester Hospital, My brother, Peter, felt the need to undress some of my mother’s wounds and show them to me. In effect, he was trying to hurt me. To say "See the pain your mother is going through, her pain is yours.” It was at this point I began to realize that no matter what I did, No matter my triumphs or pitfalls it would never be enough to satisfy my siblings. That they would always find fault in anything I did.

Throughout my early teen years my sister, Mary, felt it necessary to tease me. Sexually. Now, mind you she never touched me. But day after day, the teasing continued. a Little bit of tag here, showing a little leg there. Hinting at her sexual experiences with her many boyfriends and leaving my imagination to fill in the gaps. Exposing her cleavage. Getting me to run around in front f her in my underwear and then commenting on my hard-on. Generally, she would excite me to the point I needed release. To think that she is "Hanging out" with Dottie when Dottie blames me for everything that has happened to Marc, My nephew, since what happened, happened is complete hypocrisy. For if Dottie only knew that my misgivings with Marc were not but an extension of what Mary was doing, at the same time to me, than she wouldn't feel the same way about me. And perhaps everything would be different.

I choose now to let that all go. For me to come back into their lives with all this information is to cause turmoil. To ruin their lives. To create mistrust amongst them that would shatter everything that they are. Or I would be perceived a whining little bitch wanting to "strike back with malice." No, the chapter in my life that is my siblings is over. I don't want to hurt them, and so it is best they go their way, and believe I am the villain and I go mine, with the happiness in my heart that they are at least together and civil to each other.

It was the perhaps the birth of my new life, And because it came at such an important moment in my history, It defined what I needed to do in order to survive.

After my Mom's death, it befell to us, Myself, Peter, Mary and Dottie, to divide up the house and sell it. Each of us would split the proceeds. Peter bought the rest f us out. He would take the house and move his family into it. The house was valued over $300,000 dollars, but because of who it was going to and for what purpose, I never put up a stink about the reduced amount each of us was to receive. I commented on it and raised the question of worth, but I didn't drag it out. I could have, but I didn't.

With my share, I bought a 2001 Chevy S-10. I truth, It was the last gift from my Mother. I bought it outright and with cash. It was mine. I also tried to move to Arizona. Back to Phoenix where I have been the happiest in my life. I wanted a fresh start in life. A place to where Lori and I could grow. Instead of living this fragmented existence of just surviving life. I registered to vote, I changed over my registration, and License and sent Lori to find a place to live that she would be happy in. I wanted to use the benefit of my mother’s death as a springboard to a new life. This is he house were decided on renting.








It was a good dream, But she balked. She didn't want to leave her sister and grandmother. To be honest, I couldn't blame her. I couldn't find a job. I couldn't concentrate on starting my new life in Phoenix, when my heart and mind where back in Boston. And so defeated, I give in and moved back home.

Over the course of my life, I have never managed my money to well. And as such, I gave control of our budget over to Lori.

In 2000, she went behind my back and took what I was saving for our trip to Florida to help her make a payment on her car.

In 2003, she did it again, this time it was so Christmas wouldn't be crappy.

In 2005 she did it again. This time for reasons I don't even remember. I was then saving to go to trucking school.

In truth I was spent. All I had left was my truck and the shirt on my back, and that was eaten by our dogs. She started in on her grandmother.

Eventually and sooner than I would have, her grandmother gave up helping her. Even though, through all this and long before, she had been an enabler to what Lori was doing, not to toss blame around, I was doing the same thing in allowing her to get away with all this also.

Thursday night, I woke up for work and was told by Lori that my truck had been repossessed. An absolutely impossible fact as I had paid cash for my truck. It was mine and no amount of trying could cement the fact that I owed anybody enough money as to justify my truck being taken from me.

One of the consequences of My failed move to Arizona was that upon my return to Boston, I signed my truck over to Lori because the double excise tax and registration and insurance costs and everything else associated with living in this misbegotten state of Massachusetts brings.

In effect, I put my complete and unfounded trust in her. As a husband should do with his wife.

Last July, Lori did it again. She put a lien on my truck with one of those unscrupulous loan dealers for a measly $750. So she could pay the rent. Worst of all, she never told me of this. And she never made any effort to pay the loan off. Now the very last vestige of my life, the remembrance of my mother is gone. The very trust I had put in her has been betrayed worse than any Adulterous dealings could produce. And now the very relationship we, one month ago consummated, is in jeopardy.

I should drop her like a hot potato, kick her to the sideline and move on with my life. With everything that’s happened, I would be justified. I could very easily start over with my new life in the army. Find somebody else and be very happy.

But I won't do that. Despite her transgressions, I will not treat her with the same disgrace my siblings have treated me.

I have to hope, have to believe that with every Misdeed, every catastrophe thrown our way, that Somehow Lori will realize what she has done. That this act will be the last. That she will learn what it means to work at odds within the greater good that could be our life together. And that she will care about what happens to us and not just her.

My fear is that she won't. Unless the price she pays is greater than its worth. She will never understand what she has done and because I refuse to force her to make that sacrifice, this destructive path will continue. All I can do is hope that she will make that sacrifice and understand what it has cost her. And if she doesn’t, eventually I will have to make the hard choice that nothing will ever change and the cost I pay for dealing with this isn't worth it and it will all be over.

I Know these action on her behalf have not been done with Malice in her heart, That she didn't do these things with the intent of hurting me or us. That she felt the need to do these things was genuine and not Superficial. and its for these reasons I stay. but over time, these cost have risen to the point, where neccesity outwieghs desire. I desire to be with Lori, but the Neccesity of leaving her behind, much as I have left my siblings, is rapidly drawing nigh. The question then becomes how much more I can stand. And that is my fear.

So how does all this fit into my diet and my desire to join the Army?

In the context of my life, I have to look at this as nothing more than Adversity. It would be easy at this point, with all this prevading my mind, to throw up my hands and give in. To not try. to accept the fate I originally thought was intended for me.
Many a man has given up having endured much less. In truth, in lesser context, I had done the same. In order for me to overcome, I must cut my losses and keep moving forward. Becouse if I don't nothing will ever be differnt.

It hurts, no doubt about it, but that dosen't excuse it. And becouse i choose to overcome, not subcome, I will succeded in my quest. But I can not ever forget. for to do so is to deny everything that is me. Good bye my truck and all the memoires you stood for. You were the one thing I ever truly owned.

"Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us--and those around us -- more effectively. Look for the learning." - Eric Allenbaugh

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity." - Barbara De Angelis

"It takes a real storm in the average person's life to make him realize how much worrying he has done over the squalls." - Heartland Advisor